I have been working in hospitality/retail for about three and a half years now. Like a cruel and unusual rite of passage for most Uni students, I was obligated to become a part-time slave to the industry as I was released from the financial safety of my parents.

In my time working off my karma debt (I don't think the mental torture can be attributed to anything else), I've learned a lot of valuable things, such as teamwork, marketing, sales psychology, discipline and humility. Especially humility.

However, the most important thing of all is that I learned that customers are idiots. I invented a theory that states that the moment a person thinks anything along the lines of, “Hey, I want to go shopping”, a chemical response is triggered that numbs the cerebral cortex and strangles the rest of the brain with gross amounts of epinephrine, transforming the individual into a twitchy, irrational, brain-dead beast only capable of base functioning. _{Disclaimer: may be discounted by actual science.}

Here is a list of things I have encountered that tick me off while working at my current job (a candy shop):

1. Crowds who watch us go through the entire process of making the lolly while explaining each step in detail, and then asking, “... So how do you do it?”

Not only is this retarded, but it's also rude. Apparently they must think we talk at them for the hell of it. A former co-worker, who was French, once tested their attention by slipping from English to French halfway through making the lolly. All spectators continued to nod in understanding. Something tells me they didn't all collectively speak French.

2. People who can't read the price list.

I can't figure out how so many people can miss the numerous price lists stuck up all around the kiosk, especially the big, bold ones that are RIGHT NEXT TO THE JARS THEY'RE ASKING ABOUT. Then, there are the ones who ask for the price of a specific bag, then pick up an identical bag and ask for the price of that one, and rinse and repeat until I flip out and kill them (well, that hasn't happened... yet).

After they've gone through every single bag of that type, they'll look at what is clearly a completely different bag and ask why the price is different for that one. Goddammit.

3. “What does the watermelon/raspberry/kahlua/peppermint/etc taste like?”

In the words of Maddox, “How the hell do you dumbasses manage to breathe?”.

4. Paying with $50 and $100 notes.

It wouldn't be so much of an issue if so many people weren't doing it. We're not a place for you inconsiderate jerks to break your cash by buying a $6.90 bag of lollies. We don't have an unlimited amount of change, so don't get shitty at us when we have nothing left in the till and can't accept your big fat note.

5. Those who reach over the glass to hand us money when we're in the middle of making candy.

Yes, we're just going to drop everything we're doing to take the cash you're literally waving in our face. Our hot table is not a till, which is about five steps away from where your lazy ass is.

6. Asking to come into the kiosk.

Unless there was an unusual circumstance like if a time bomb was planted under the counter and you happened to be the only person who knew how to de-activate it, or your child was drop-kicked into the shop and you wanted to help us retrieve their unconscious body from the shelves, or by chance you were an escaped convict who burrowed a little too far off course and dug their way through our floor, than you have no reason to be in here. It's a health and safety violation for patrons to enter the kiosk.

7. “Do the sugar-free lollies taste like anything?”

No, their successful selling point is that they are completely devoid of flavour, and therefore are a popular treat. After all, nobody really buys candy for the taste. That's crazy talk!

8. “Do the sugar-free lollies have sugar in them?”

I hate you.

9. Demanding samples.

How goddamned rude and insolent can you be? Would you go up to McDonalds or Muffin Break and ask for a sample? I didn't think so. Samples are a privilege, not a right. You don't know if you'll like the lollies? Tough titties, that risk applies to any product you might buy anywhere.

The main culprits of this are gangs of smart-alecky teenagers and snobbish soccer-mums who use their young children as scapegoats to get free stuff. The latter annoys me the most, as they're usually the type that think they're all that and a bag of nappies because they're mothers, and feel entitled to get what they want on demand. They're often more immature than the teenagers, and see fit to throw a tantrum/death glare at me when I inform them we are not currently giving away any free samples. Hey listen, you tarted-up trollops – squeezing out a few spawn does not special make you. Perhaps all that paint stripper you use every night to remove the six inches of makeup on your face has tampered with your brain chemistry, turning you into a moody bitch. Irregardless, don't make my job any more difficult than it already is.

10. Trying to take the display bags.

Our lollies are set up on racks, according to flavour, at the front of the kiosk, with the bags facing the inside of the shop so staff know what they are. On the outside of the kiosk, there are display packets attached to the racks for customers to see. Despite them being clearly bolted down, people still try to pull them off, some actually going so far as to try to unscrew the metal nut. Failing that, they will then resort to...

11. Reaching over into the kiosk to pull a bag of candy from the rack.

I can't even imagine why anyone would consider this acceptable behaviour. Forgive me for sounding melodramatic, but it's practically trespassing to chattels. It's just flat-out disrespectful, as they're essentially sticking their arms into a staff-only area to grab something without permission. We usually let it go, but it's still rude.

12. Kids who hang around the racks pretending to look at the lollies while waiting for us to turn our backs so they can nab something and run.

Obvious over-exaggerated innocence is obvious. We're not stupid. We see your kind all the time.

13. People who enjoy watching me clean.

Okay, this is more of a pet peeve than anything else, but I find it disconcerting when I'm washing the dishes or cleaning the cooling bench and I look up to see a whole family standing there, gaping at me. We often get large crowds watching us make, chop and sort lollies, which I can completely understand (in fact, that's the entire point of making candy in-store), but I'm not sure why scrubbing and wiping draws the attention it does.

14. Spectators who plaster their hands all over the glass.

Please. I have to clean that at the end of the day. We usually offer them the exciting opportunity to do it for us if they keep it up. That usually makes them stop.

15. Spectators who LICK the glass.

I'm serious, it happens.

16. Customers who don't want to incur the 50 cent EFTPOS surcharge for purchases under $10, so they spend more than $10.

God forbid they spend 50 cents and get nothing, right? It's much more cost-effective to buy another $6.90 bag and save that 50 cents! On the bright side, the business profits from this stupidity.


There's more, but I can't think of anything else at the moment.
In conclusion, customer service is a test of psychological strength; if you get out alive and sane, you're a hero. If not, you're an hero.



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